THE MEN'S MOVEMENT by Bob Matthews, MFCC Ripping the fabric of masculinity has exposed the emptiness of men's lives. There are a few men who are now beginning to explore this frontier for new definitions of manhood. Many of us at this point find ourselves restless and questioning ourselves. The few that have begun to ask the questions may be a minority but they are gaining power, strength and confidence. These men have begun to move out on the edge beyond those who would just think about it or talk about it into the experiential realm of doing it. Questioning who we are as men, where we are going and who is going with us? It was not to many years ago that the Vietnam vet was made the scape goat of our cultural problems. Sam Keen in "Fire in the Belly" suggests that we are still involved in a night battle in a jungle against an unseen foe. Voices are shouting from the hostile darkness challenging: Men are too aggressive. Too soft. Too insensitive. Too macho. Too power-man. Too much like little boys. Too wimpy. Too violent. Too obsessed with sex. Too detached to care. Too busy. Too rational. Too lost to lead. Too dead to feel. Do you find yourself confused by all these questions? Feeling the double bind; your damned if you do and your damned if you don't? Is it then so surprising that we don't know who we are supposed to be. A shift is taking place deep in the psyche of both sexes as our culture changes. Women have entered into more equality in terms of economic position and began to define themselves in terms of money position and power as men have done for years. This was the beginning of the men's movement. These women were not vindictive or revengeful but sought to understand their relationships with the men in their lives. Men are now doing the same thing that these women began to do in the 70's and it is just as frightening confusing and exciting as we begin define ourselves differently. Now this defining of masculinity must be done in the community of men. Men cannot initiate girls into femininity any more than women can initiate men into masculinity. For this reason men must leave the women's movement and find their on identity. It is no mistake or coincidence then that this movement began as a response to women. The women's movement drew the lines of distinction that made it possible, no, made it inevitable that men would need to respond. One of the first identified branches of the men's movement was known in the 70's as men's liberation and grew up alongside of the women's movement. This profeminist branch encouraged men to renounce sexist, homophobic and racist behavior and thought. The profeminist branch supported men only if men aligned themselves with this branches political and philosophical beliefs. They tended to be male bashers who suggested that men feel the way women feel and be sensitive the way women are sensitive. This tended to invalidate male ways of doing and being. The men's liberation group had men who dominated the content and discussion of men's studies in Universities and men's journals. Opponents of the profeminist branch suggest that it is widely supported by men who were hurt by men as children and tend to identify more with women. The profeminist branch is in essence the genesis of the soft male. This can be seen in some men who are 45 and still living at home with "mother." Being to close to the source of their lives they themselves cannot be a source of life. Men's rights/Fathers' rights groups are another branch of the movement. These groups are the warriors of the men's movement and tend to react against changes brought about by women. They are largely focused on changing laws and the public's perception of men. Fathers' rights groups may be involved in such things as child custody child support awards rights of unmarried fathers and abortion issues and proactively lobby in support of men in these issues. Men's rights advocates fight against male-only draft laws and the discarding of men's rights. Fathers' rights groups like the profeminist branch are reactive to women. Their outrage is an outgrowth of the pain caused by divorce and child custody in the courts. They are less financially able to contribute to this group because of the battles they have been through and their tenure is determined by their financial recovery. Therefore there is a considerable turnover in the membership of this group. This is a very vocal minority of men who understand the media and make a lot of noise. Opponents of this group in contrast to the profeminist group suggest that these men were hurt by females as children or through divorce thus their action is a backlash against women. Both the mythopoetic and the addiction/recovery groups find the middle ground between the two previously mentioned groups. The mythopoetic group is the biggest and fastest-growing segment of the men's movement and is more often identified and recognized as the men's movement. Some of the authors and presenters in this group include: Shepherd Bliss Robert Bly Michael Meade James Hillman and Robert Moore. They emphasize literature mythology and art as they encourage men to search their souls. Members of this group are primarily heterosexual mid-life men. Some retreats have incorporated various native American traditions such as the use of the talking stick drumming and the sweat lodge. The group or branch of the movement that we'll call Addiction/Recovery groups have come out of the well known and respected twelve step programs like AA. Terms such as woundedness, Toxic masculinity, and inner child will be heard in group meetings as members confront grief issues related to the father wound. It is often hard to tell where this group starts and the mythopoetic group leaves off in fact there is an exchange of ideas and practices between these two groups. Two of the more popular presenter-authors and John Lee and Jed Diamond. The Christian branch of the men's movement is hard to distinguish from the rest of the movement possibly because they have incorporated practices from the rest of the men's movement. While this is true it is also important to recognize that there are attempts within Christianity to celebrate their male identity. In the 70's that Ed Cole a former pastor/teacher from San Diego wrote a book entitled "Maximizing Manhood" which challenged men to take responsibility for their lack of action within the church. He traveled widely and his male only meetings were well attended but there didn't seem to be community of men or bonding of men that remained. Gordon Dalbey was perhaps the first man to pick up the influence of the secular and extend it into the Church in his book "Healing the Masculine Soul." He calls for strength and truth in men's lives but believes that healing the male soul and especially the father-son wound is more important than any other action. Promise Keepers began in July of 1992 is more action oriented in that the need for healing the woundedness is not emphasized as much as activity. Everything will be all right with the marriage, the family, and the church if only men will keep their promises, seems to be the admonishment. Some Christian authors stress men's liberation e.g. men can feel too and healing male sexuality (Walter Trobisch and Leanne Payne). Others stress Fathering (Ken Canfield) or are Marriage Advocates (Gary Smalley). Most tend to believe that healing precedes action in contrast to the Promise Keepers. Much of the time in this branch is spent on answering all questions from a spiritual platform. Are you religious in the way we are, is asked before who are you is asked. Black and white, right or wrong is a theme that is heard in the answers about masculinity. We are not into answering questions, we are into questioning your answers So what is Tracks in the Sand all about and where do we fit in? No matter which group we participate in we are all men. No one group has ALL the answers. There seems to be too much pressure to separate and find distinctions within the men's movement than to unite and find our place of being and commonalities. That is what we are all about the blending of these groups and finding our commonalities. We use elements of the mythopoetic as we tell stories and use the drums and we incorporate vocabulary of the addiction/recovery groups in attempting to hear the father's voice and facing our shadows. We take a more holistic approach in emphasizing the spiritual while not ignoring the emotional and intellectual aspects of our masculinity. We use metaphorical rituals to help men see problem areas in their lives. These rituals may be individual or community in scope but they will deal with an element of woundedness that men share. It is in the healing of this wounding that men find bonding and community in fact this healing will rarely if ever take place alone or in isolation but will often be found in the community of men. We believe there is a destiny for each man that can only be discovered with the help of the community on men. Changes that can only be found within the community will include the transformation of boys to men as boys are initiated and men set aside childish things. Our focus is on the healing of masculinity not just the healing of one man. There is not one group totally "right" within itself. We are committed to the embracing of all these groups, facing the truth and understanding who we are in the community of men. We believe that by being the kind of men that we were intended to be we will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers so that our land will be healed. MEN'S GROUPS - GANGS - ISOLATION? by Gary S. Kalus WHERE ARE WE? - DOES MANHOOD MATTER? "A man is simply more aggressive and more powerful than a woman." George Gilder presents this idea and definition of masculinity in "Men and Marriage" by the following concept: "Every society has the problem of channeling this greater aggression into constructive uses. The chief way societies work, the foundation of civilization, is by assigning man the provider role, where his aggressiveness is channeled into supplying goods and services into the economy to support his family. When this role is removed, when he no longer is the chief provider of the family, he has to define his masculinity in other ways. The lowest common denominator of masculinity is greater physical strength and aggressiveness. It means violence and crime." George Gilder goes on to say that "a society has a choice - you can have a patriarchy where men tend to rule, and that can work, or you can pretend it's a matriarchy or unisexual society, as for example as occurred in inner cities, which are mostly ruled by women - social workers, female teachers, female heads of families. But that's contrary to nature, so instead the real rulers in inner cities are gangs of violent males. If you don't provide the channels of marriage and family and the provider role, then what you get are gangs, and they will covertly dominate society." To counter act these gangs our society and culture has held up "rugged individualism" as a primary model of masculinity. These heros can do it all and feels no pain. Some of these icons are John Wayne, Rambo, Dirty Harry, Indiana Jones to name a few. The common theme portrayed in these characters is an independence that is accomplished through creative ways of isolation. These men have been betrayed; leaving them able to trust only those who are "weaker" or "helpless." Common among these rugged individuals is the drive to make righteous decisions from a "platform of blind justice." Often there is a "helpless" women that brings "the balance of mercy" to the man and his judgements. She is a woman who will meet all his needs, intuits his sexual needs and is willing to be possessed. Where men live today "total independence" is not possible or practical. By embracing this "rugged individualism" leaves men isolated. It is this isolation that is the cold wind that blows through the souls of men keeping them from the warming fires of a community of men. What do men's groups contribute to this quest for masculinity? Is the community of men a vital part missing from men's lives and this culture? If not, what are the missing parts of masculinity that cause men to end up isolated - not able to trust or turning to a sibling culture of violent gangs? WHAT DO WE NEED? - WHAT IS IT WE FACE AS MEN? There are two basic needs that all men have. The first is to find a place to belong and the other is to be able to uniquely contribute in that place. Addressing these two needs is the primary assignment of the community of men. This belonging in the community begins by being known for who "I really am as man." It means confronting all my fears, betrayals, secrets, short-comings, weaknesses, strengths, failures, and successes, while continually being accepted by other men. It is from this place of belonging that a man can begin to learn to contribute or be a source of life for others. These fundamental tasks are never accomplished in isolation. A man alone cannot define himself or find the answers to the three questions all men face. These three question are: Who am I? Where am I going? And, who is going with me? It is in the community of men that the answers to these questions can be revealed. To address these questions is the beginning of the journey into spirituality. The first step to this spiritual journey is finding the sacredness of our being; the self-worth that connects us with a Creator greater then ourselves. It is our destiny that calls us from a place of darkness and isolation into the light and community and belonging. This is the journey that will take a lifetime. Where is this community found? What are the risks of moving into community? What about my shame? What are the rewards? Can knowing who I am; Knowing where I am going; Knowing what I was created for, and experiencing God's pleasure in my life actually be accomplished? These are the intriguing but dangerous questions that push and pull us, often in conflicting directions, on the path towards community. WHAT WENT WRONG? - WHAT WAS OUR FATHER'S GIFT? Most of us have at least some idea of who we are. A part of our own souls show the direction to go, what to do and Who is calling. Contained in our soul is the passions, talents, drives, longings. All those things that call us men to our destiny. It is usually our father who first see the design of his son's soul. It is our fathers gift to show us ourselves as he sees us. This critical process drastically shapes our lives. This shaping enables the son to hold the contents of his soul in his heart. Whatever is carried in the heart of the father is received by the son. This is why it is so important for a father to have a clear vision of who is son is before he gives his son the gift. I have not seen a father able to give this gift to his son unless he himself first owns it for himself. Because of blurred vision of the father, many of us have received wounds in the passing of the gift or never received the gift at all. Can the son be greater than his father without his father's blessing? A part of this gift from the father is the welcoming of the son into the father's world for who the son is. Where the son hears from his father: "This is my son in whom I am well pleased with and deeply love." Before we have achieved anything in the adult world our fathers have seen into the depths of our souls and hearts and where pleased with what they saw. We know we are known by our fathers, for just being who we are. Our fathers know the good and the bad about us and we find ourselves still loved and accepted. It is only a father or "group father" that can initiate the son into the father's world. Again, can the son be greater than his father without his father's blessing? Each of us carry a story of "the rite of passage." It is during the experiences as boys that we go through being "welcomed" into our father's world. For many of us, this experience has left more wounds and destruction than well-being and health. There is a calling out which all boys go through, a rite of passage. Different societies and cultures structure different rituals. For our culture, turning eighteen, graduation, going into the military, getting married, going to college, getting the first job after high school, these are a few transitional rituals that mark the passing of the boy into "manhood." Or do they? Is this really the "fathers world?" Is this the community of men which will bring life to the boy? When we have never received this gift, or there was a wounding that took place with the passing of the gift there is a spring- loaded effect that can take place in relationships that push us towards isolation and self destruction because we find it hard to trust others. This will also reinforces the pattern of "rugged individualism" towards isolation. WHAT'S LIVING IN ISOLATION? - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? Isolation brings with it "myths we live by." These are the lies and betrayals that tell us who we are and we believe and live by them. They are deceptively mixed with a part of the truth making them seem more like the truth than a lie. It is when our life is built around half-truths we live out a destiny we were not made for or did not choose. At the center of this myth we privately experience an empty and unfulfilled life. Many men have spent a lifetime trying to fill this emptiness in the soul with "this is what I DO" therefore, "this is who I AM." One common result of these myths is to live the un-lived lives of our fathers; never coming to a complete understanding of who we are. This is the "blessing" that ends up cursing us; wrestling the demons of our fathers; always trying to gain acceptance by what we DO. Another aspect that becomes confusing without the community of men is the misunderstanding of God's pleasure and purpose in our lives. We mistake God's pleasure with what we think our "greatness" is. This "doing" part of "who I am," with its "greatness," at first, seems to fit the floating void in the soul. Soon we find ourselves betrayed because we have lead ourselves to a place of living a life of "desperate isolation" never coming to the truth of "who we are." We only allow people to see the mask of our "greatness" in what we do while our true self remains hidden in the darkness of the soul, only to ravage the heart in times of "desperate isolation." The lack of community or men's groups in the boy's world can leave him with other places to look for his masculinity and destiny. This quest can look like becoming a member of a gang that dominates their environment by violence. Or, trying to become part of the feminine community. This lack of older men in a boy's life can confuse the order of the three questions. Getting the order of these questions mixed up can lead a boy into a dead-end alley for thirty years, fifty years or even a life time. ARE THERE ANY ANSWERS? - CAN MEN'S GROUPS HELP? Can men's groups contribute to the quest for a type of masculinity that leads men out of isolation into the truth? Is the community of men a vital missing part from men's lives and this culture? Many men answer "yes" to both questions. There are many different types and purposes for men's groups and men's communities. The main purpose for men's groups is to bring clarity to knowing "who we are." It is in community that the answers to the three questions begin to be revealed; not all at once but little by little. The risk is to move out of isolation into community. This may begin by becoming a part of a men's group, starting a men's group or going to a men's retreat. It is a search for truth, guided by experiencing the pleasure of God in our lives. This pleasure does not always "feel good." Some answers are only found in the mist of the grief and working through the betrayals of the past. This can only be done in the community of men. Acceptance in community sounds like: the father's voice saying: "this is my son in whom I am well pleased." Beginning this process will be difficult. To many of us it looks like the "valley of the shadow of death." It is possible the greatest regrets in life can be the risks we never took. Tracks in the Sand is a newsletter addressing the issues men face to-day. Topics are examined from a value driven belief system. This system holds feelings and emotions as valid but not as the dominant factor controlling our this system or culture. It is when these feelings and emotions become a merciless dictator guiding our society and lives that trouble begins. One of Tracks, guiding principle, that everyone is accountable to an infinite creator, greater than oneself. Many of the readers and writers believe that this creator is God and have a personal relationship with Him based on the work of His Son Jesus. The issue of unfinished business The main charter Tracks is to speak directly to the dynamics of change in mens lives. All of us make decisions based on our history. It is when our history is not in the past but lives in the shadows of the present as unfinished business that it effects our decision making process. We find ourselves incapacitated, powerless, unable to change even when we desperately want to. In this history there are myths, lies and deceptions as well as the perceived truth each of us grew up with. It is living in the here and now and not in this history that we may find the real truth. It is our unresolved history that finds its way to the present; making it seem impossible at times for us to live in the present. This unresolved history causes us to project our lives into the future, or into those around us. We are unable to live in the present, still needing to resolve the pain of the past. Each of us have a path out of the past and into change. The way out of it is through it. Even when the past has been waiting in the shadows of our hearts for twenty or thirty years. No one has ever been able to find this path and go through it by themselves. It must done in community. It happens through the process of grief work, forgiveness and expressing the denied emotions of the past. This is the beginning, the movement of our unresolved history from the present to where it belongs in the past. This is not to change our history but to bring healing and resolution so that we might live in the present. We can then begin to take responsibility for our lives, not ruled by our past, but now live in the present. How can Tracks help? Tracks is a newsletter supporting men find their way through the past into the present. There are many stories of mens struggles, poems, and topics discussed in the articles that appear in Tracks. Some of the issues addressed are: Healing Masculinity, Addictions in mens lives Feminism - Friend or Foe Father Son Wound True Masculinity Vision Quest - Men of Destiny Isolation in mens lives Politically Correct Emotions Homosexuality - The Truth & The Myth Mens Rights Tracks encourages the formation of these support groups and the telling of the stories that affect our present lives. Entering these groups can be the beginning of the spiritual process of movement toward taking appropriate responsibility for both the past and present and living in the and living in the here and now. Tracks makes available tapes, books, video, resource lists, also sponsoring retreats that deal with this subject matter. If you would like several copies of this Sample Issues to pass out please write Tracks in the Sand, PO Box 1828, Tustin, CA 92680 (714)-751-1012 Back Issues of Tracks These are the articles and stories in the back issues of Tracks: Vol. 1 Manhood in Crisis Counterfeit Love Finding Life in Betrayal God, You Just Don't Understand The Invisible Man The Absolutes of Homosexuality I Need A "Quick Fix" Testimony of a Sex Addict Poem: Sitting on the Edge Vol. 2 Sexual Problems in the Clergy Living with Betrayal (Part 2) Freedom From Sexual Addiction Poem: Feeding My Master Book Review: Secrets of Your Family Tree Poem: Wedding Day Vol. 3 Do Real Men go to Church? Don't Curse the Road to Paradise My Father's Blessing What Grows on the Family Tree? Poem: My Brother's Room Vol. 4 Anger, Grief and Getting Unstuck in Recovery Men and Sexual Abuse-Can Men Be Victims? Poem: Streams of My Youth Grieving Losses Can Change Your Life - Forever Men On the Ropes What Will They Say About You Little White Boy Vol. 5 Denial Is Not Faith Rituals A Southern Son What is the Difference Why Johnny Can't Worship Bonsai Memories Back issues of Tracks in the Sand are available. These articles have been compiled into a book with five issues in this volume. These back issues are available to members at $15.95 each and $19.95 each for non-member. Shipping and handling is $2.50.There will also be a annual catalog of product coming out. With your subscription/membership, you will be entitled to discounts on products in the catalog. Special rates are available for churches, therapists, bookstores or those who want to receive multiple copies of newsletter. 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